Dear Sirs,

I write to offer some free and unsolicited advice from a smart, fun, independent woman regarding your search for a female companion on Tinder.  [AUTHOR’S NOTE: before you get all judgmental, many smart, fun, independent women have started relationships on Tinder, although we are also not against the right hookup — it’s 2015, and the sexual revolution was about 50 years ago, so please check yourself before you wreck yourself over Tinder.]  Here is what goes through the mind of a smart, fun, independent woman when she looks at your pictures and profile.

• Profile:  smart, fun, independent women ACTUALLY READ your profile. It’s true.
  1. No profile:  if you do not bother to write a profile, then I assume you are only interested in a hookup. Smart, fun, independent women are not interested in hookups with boring men, so if you decide to skip the profile, your pictures had better demonstrate that you lead an interesting life that’s going to lead to interesting conversation that could lead to all sorts of other interesting places. Otherwise, we assume that being with you is going to be a total drag, and nobody wants to hook up with a total drag. Think on that for a little bit.
  2. Profile content, “I’m smart and funny”: don’t tell me you’re smart and funny. Use the profile space to prove to me that you’re smart and funny. You know who thinks they’re smart and funny?  EVERYONE. I haven’t come across a single profile where someone wrote, “I’m dumb and a total downer.” You know who is actually smart and funny?  NOT EVERYONE. If you tell me you’re smart and funny, and you don’t prove it in the profile, your pictures had better prove without a doubt that you are smart and funny.
  3. Profile content, too much detail: please don’t tell me all the minute details of your life. Give me enough to pique my interest and to show me that we’ll be able to have an hour’s worth of conversation without wanting to hang ourselves. You can get this done in two sentences. Seriously.
  4. Profile content, looking for laid-back women or not looking for drama: you are not an adult who can deal with the confrontation that’s going to come from spending time with a smart, fun, independent woman.  Left swipe.

• Pictures: what do smart, fun, independent women think when they see your pictures, which are all pulled from Facebook?
  1. Women in pictures with you
     1. Full face: is that your daughter or your girlfriend?  Will I be dating everyone in this picture? Either way, left swipe.
     2. Body parts
        1. Torso: is that the ass of a stripper in a thong?  Left swipe.
        2. Hands/arms/legs/feet/hair/ears: is that a friend or a girlfriend or a family member?  Could you really not find any pictures on Facebook of yourself alone to use for any of these slots?  The photos that are supposed to draw me in?  Left swipe.
  2. Solo pictures
     1. Full face, no smile: you look mad and/or sad and/or mean.  Left swipe.
     2. In the bathroom mirror: wow – you don’t have any colleagues at work or any friends that you could ask to take a picture of you, you had to take a picture of yourself in the mirror, and the only mirror you own is in the bathroom.  Left swipe.
     3. Full face, smile: he looks happy and nice.  Right swipe — I’m totally willing to meet you for a drink.
     4. Full body, engaged in some activity: you look happy and nice and like you’re having fun.  I also like to have fun — right swipe.
     5. Repeat pictures: when we see the same picture several times, it makes us think you don’t care about the message your profile is sending.  Left swipe.

• Text messages:  Look. Seriously.  The purpose of the text message is to find a time to meet in person. We’re only able to send each other messages because we both right swiped. Ask me to coffee or drinks or dinner. Do not spend four days texting with me about common interests. Let’s meet in person ASAP and decide if we’re willing to meet in person again.

• In-person meetings:  PLEASE DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOURSELF 85% OF THE TIME. We’ve agreed to meet in person. I already think you’re interesting. I don’t need a rundown of your resume. I want to know what you think is funny and what you do for fun.  FLIRT WITH ME. Pay some attention to the things I’m saying and try building a bit of conversation around that. NINETY PERCENT OF YOU ARE FAILING AT THIS, AND WE ARE DISCUSSING IT WITH OUR FRIENDS.

I hope this helps you in your quest to find whatever it is that you’re looking for.

Sincerely,

Charlotte