Dear Sirs,

I write to offer some free and unsolicited advice from a smart, fun, independent woman regarding your search for a female companion on OK Cupid.  Here is what goes through the mind of a smart, fun, independent woman when she clicks the link to your profile or when she reads your e-mails.

• Pictures: what do smart, fun, independent women think when they see your picture?
  1. Women in pictures with you
     1. Full face: is that his daughter or his girlfriend?  Either way, I don’t want to date him.
     2. Body parts
        1. Torso: is that the ass of a stripper in a thong?  I don’t want to date him.
        2. Hands/arms/legs/feet/hair/ears: is that a friend or a girlfriend or a family member?  Could he really not find any pictures of himself alone to use as his profile photo?  The photo that’s supposed to draw me in?  I don’t want to date him.
     3. Solo pictures
        1. Full face, no smile: he looks mad and/or sad and/or mean.  I don’t want to date him.
        2. In the bathroom mirror: wow – he doesn’t have any colleagues at work or any friends that he could ask to take a picture of him, he had to take a picture of himself in the mirror, and the only mirror he owns is in the bathroom.  I don’t want to date him.
     4. Full face, smile: he looks happy and nice.  I’ll click on the link and read more about him in his profile.
     5. Full body, engaged in some activity: he looks happy and nice and like he’s having fun.  I might want to have fun with him, so I’ll click on the link and read more about him in his profile.

• Profile: what do smart, fun, independent women think when they read your profile?
  1. No profile: he has no personality.  I don’t want to date him.
  2. Profile written in text abbreviations: he’s not a grown-up.  I don’t want to date him.
  3. Profile written without punctuation: he skipped elementary school.  I don’t want to date him.
  4. Profile written with punctuation but without capital letters: he was in a huge hurry to find love on this dating site, which is weird, but I guess I’ll keep reading.
  5. Profile written with specific ways in which gentleman is different from all the other men out there, including interests and values that also express the gentleman’s personality:  I’d totally meet this guy for coffee.
  6. Profile claims that gentleman will put girlfriend on a pedestal: ugh, pedestal – the only direction from being on a pedestal is down.  I don’t want to date him.
  7. Profile claims that gentleman is funny: too much claiming to be funny, not enough actually being funny.  I don’t want to date him.
  8. Profile says that instead of looking for smarts and humor women should be looking for men to protect them because of 20,000 years of nature: I don’t need to be protected from lions anymore.  I don’t want to date him.
  9. Profile claims that gentleman is nice guy: what does this mean?  Does it mean that he’s going to hold doors open for me?  Mostly I think this means he’s passive-aggressive and lacks the ability to be specific.  I don’t want to date him.
  10. In six things can’t live without, lists air, water, family, etc.: he claims to be funny but missed his biggest opportunity to be hilarious and distinguish himself from the other men out there.  I don’t want to date him.

• E-mails
  1. Text of e-mail is, “Hi,” “How are you doing,” “How’s your day going,” or some variation: he didn’t read my profile, and he sent out 500 of these messages to 500 women.  He obviously didn’t read my profile, which means he’s lazy.  I don’t want to date him.
  2. Text of e-mail is, “You’re so beautiful,” “You’re so pretty,” “Hi gorgeous,” or some variation: I can’t believe that there are enough women out there with so little self-esteem that they would respond to this generic bullshit, because why would men do it if it didn’t work?  I’m attractive, but my outside is not my best feature.  He obviously didn’t read my profile, which means he’s openly superficial and lazy.  I don’t want to date him.
  3. Text of e-mail is, “Your profile is so interesting,” or some variation, but e-mail does not specify what is so interesting about the profile: he didn’t actually read my profile, which means he’s superficial and lazy, and on top of that, he’s a liar.  I don’t want to date him.
  4. Text of e-mail is, “Can I get to know you?” or some variation: I don’t know, can you?  Ask me a question.  He’s a stranger who just put the burden of me repeating my profile for him, which means he’s superficial and lazy, and on top of that, he’s not inquisitive, which I’m going to take to mean that he’s not that inquisitive about life in general.  I don’t want to date him.
  5. Text of e-mail is, “I’m moving to your area, can we get together?” with no details on what we would talk about:  did he seriously shift the burden of making friends with strangers onto me?  I don’t want to date him.

I hope this helps you in your quest to find whatever it is that you’re looking for.

Sincerely,

Charlotte