More Online Dating Tales

My executive coach and I looked up what Native Americans consider significant about a bobcat appearing in your life.  Among other things, bobcats teach lessons about being alone but not lonely.  I’ve also had some grackles show up in the backyard, and I saw a squirrel eating a pear from our tree.  Native American interpretation of this is basically that I need to get out and have fun.  (If you want specifics on what the significance of a particular animal is, do a search for “[animal] medicine totem.”  Very interesting and enlightening.)

All of this combined into enough momentum for me to check what was happening over at OK Cupid.  The e-mails I get on OKC make me question my own judgment – am I being too picky?  Would spending time with one of these guys be better than being alone and cooking or reading or infusing liquor or writing?  I think the answer is no.  You read and be the judge.

OKC rates Potential Suitor 4 (PS4 – for more on PS and PS2, click here; PS3 is still in the works) as 65% Match, 59% Friend, 15% Enemy.  What’s totally weird about this is that these numbers look pretty low to me, but OK Cupid put me in this guy’s Quiver, which is the list of people that the OKC robot picks for you as good matches.  WTF.  This guy has daughters, whom he loves enough to get matching pedicures with them.

Aug 8, 2013 – 8:19am
You have never seen the Empire Strikes Back? OK, official invitation to have a movie night, popcorn, nachos and a very large couch so no reference to any physical contact. My daughter can also be here to feel comfortable. I have to stop writing these stupid first contact messages. I can never tell if I am sounding funny or creepy. Really never seen it?  [Editrix’s note:  you’ve never met me, and you’re inviting me to your home to watch a movie?  More importantly, I’ve never met you, and you think I’ll say yes and that having your daughter there will make me MORE comfortable?  Sir, we are nowhere near being on the same page.  You don’t sound funny or creepy, just hopelessly unaware.]

Aug 20, 2013 – 6:55pm
Hi there. I really have never seen “The Empire Strikes Back.” I appreciate your invitation to watch it; I hope you’ll understand me turning it down.  [Editrix’s note:  I started to write an evaluation of everything that was wrong in his e-mail, but I erased it.  I don’t want to be mean to these guys, and I don’t want to take on the job of coaching strangers on how to be better at getting to know people.]

Aug 20, 2013 – 7:07pm
I can understand turning me down. A part of me actually does not understand it but I do hear there are so many weirdos out there, especially from to the ladies.. The first message I got back was “By the way, I am a dude” Really, people lie that much?. It is insane. Let me know if you would like to known anything about me. PS4  [Editrix’s note:  he has daughters, but he doesn’t understand why a woman would turn down a total stranger’s invitation to hang out at his house without ever meeting him in person first.  I know that the statistics show that crime victims tend to know their attackers, but come on.  He’s obviously very new to the online dating scene if he’s not aware that people lie that much.  Actually, people lie a lot in real life, too.  His naivete isn’t endearing; it’s repulsive.  As a result, I didn’t respond, because there wasn’t anything I wanted to ask him that would be appropriate in the context (e.g., are you really this naïve? Would you let your daughters go to a total stranger’s house to watch a movie?).] 

Our next potential suitor is rated 89% Match, 79% Friend, 22% Enemy.  Potentially promising, but when I checked his profile, I discovered that he lives in Mississippi.  That’s problematic, but not insurmountable, but then I checked his questions.  He thinks homosexuality is a sin.  Non-starter.

Aug 18, 2013 – 1:22pm

I hope all is going well on your Sunday I just read your profile and it seems we might have a few things in common and I would like to get to know you better. If my profile interests, and the distance between us is not an issue; I will look forward to seeing your reply.

PS5  [Editrix’s note:  it’s a shame, really, because his e-mail is appropriate and respectful.  If not for the homosexuality as sin thing, I might still be having a conversation with him.]

Aug 20, 2013 – 7:02pm
Hi there. I appreciate your interest and especially that you took the time to read my profile. I took a look at the questions that you answered, and we disagree on whether homosexuality is a sin. This is a big deal for me. I wish you luck in your search.  [Editrix’s note:  I don’t want to take on the unwanted role as coach for all of these guys, but I think it’s important for the homophobes to know why I don’t want to continue talking to them.]

Aug 20, 2013 – 7:20pm
I support gay rights I’ve even boycotted Chick Fila, but my religious upbringing has taught me its a sin. However it is not my job to judge only to love thy neighbor. I really hope this explains things, I would really like to talk more about it if you wanna give me a chance.  [Editrix’s note:  there’s something about this that made me go from being not interested in this guy to actively disliking him.  Good for you for supporting gay rights and participating in the pointless boycott of Chick-fil-A, but the meat of the problem for me is that in your heart you think homosexuality is a sin.  I don’t think God is that shortsighted.  I don’t have any religious texts or tenets to back me up, but I do believe that God created us in His image, which means there’s a part of God that’s gay.  Loving people of the opposite sex is not in the ten commandments.  And yes, God gave us free will to do things that He doesn’t want us to do, that are wrong.   But sexuality is not an issue of free will.  If it were, then I could turn lesbian right now, and the potential suitors that you saw here would be women instead of men.  I am not interested in having a debate about this at all, much less with a stranger.]

Aug 22, 2013 – 10:12am
It does explain things, and I don’t think there’s anything more to discuss. I have close friends who are gay, and while I think we can all appreciate your position intellectually, emotionally, it’s impossible to get past the fact that you think who they are is a sin. I wish you luck in your search — I’m sure that you’ll find someone great who’s on the same page as you.

Aug 22, 2013 – 11:13am
I appreciate your reply, and I meant no offense; I am just telling you what I was taught in church. I have no I’ll will towards gay people, and I do not look at gay people as sin I look at gay people just like I do myself and every one else in the world, we have all sinned one time or more in our life’s. I really do appreciate your reply, at least you are brave enough to tell some one you are not interested and explain why! Lol!

Good luck in your search as well!  [Editrix’s note: “lol” has lost all meaning.  Shameful confession time: back when I was in the thick of being active in College Republicans, I agreed with this guy, and in retrospect, this attitude is more pernicious than being openly against gays.  I hadn’t bothered to think the issue through on my own, and it seemed like a fringe issue for me, one that didn’t have any impact on my life.  I was wrong.  This is one of the reasons I love to travel.  It opens my brain to new ideas and different ways of doing things.  It makes me rethink the things that I think are true and to apply critical thinking to the beliefs that I have that haven’t been subjected to analysis.  It makes me have a more open heart.  The next exchange may contradict that statement.]

The most recent e-mail I got was from PS5, 10% Match, 0% Friend, 0% Enemy.  His profile is sparse and generic, and he says that you should write him if you like his looks.  I checked out his questions to see if we’re a 10% match because he hadn’t answered any, or if we’re a 10% match because his answers are diametrically opposed to mine.  It’s the latter:

“Do you think homosexuality is a sin?”
His answer:  “yes.”

“You’re dating someone new. You discover that they have a room-mate the same sex as you. This:”
His answer:  “makes you uncomfortable.”

“It’s your first date with someone you recently met. At the end she/he says ‘I think I love you.’”
His answer:  “sweet” (the other choice is “scary”).

“Your significant other is perfectly content with their minimum wage job and has no plans to look for more challenging/better paying work. Is this a problem?”
His answer:  “No, I don’t mind.”

Here’s our exchange:

Aug 22, 2013 – 1:15am
I like you. You are nice looking. Maybe we can hook up.

Aug 22, 2013 – 10:15am
Thanks for your note and your compliment. I’m not sure what you mean by “hook up,” but I wish you luck in your search.

Y’all.  I’m obviously not going to meet someone who’s great for me on OKC, but here’s what I’m starting to wonder:  am I being overly judgmental?  And if so, is that limited to the e-mails I get on OKC, or am I projecting the overly judgmental-ness in person?  Is it keeping away someone great?  I’m pretty good at being alone, but I do get lonely.  At the same time, I should be doing more work to fix the loneliness myself – it’s too big and unfair a burden to expect a single, mythical human to fix.

The grackles and squirrels are right.  It’s time to get out of my head and my house and go have some fun and learn something new.

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1 Response to More Online Dating Tales

  1. Kathy says:

    Catherine, I have a VCR version of The Empire Strikes Back. It really is a good movie, even though I am not partial to sci-fi. Each of the original movies of the trilogy can stand on their own and each is a great movie, although if you ever find yourself having a lounge-around-the-house day, they are even better as a set.

    Aside from that, I may not be much help. Except to say – guys are intimidated by smart women. And successful women. And over twenty-somethings. When you find one who is man enough to appreciate you for who you are, he will be a rarity. Go for it.

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