I have a bartender problem.  I only noticed it in the past year, but I figured out it’s been going on since I was 19.

What I mean by bartender problem is that I seem to be wired to develop a temporary (or sometimes not-so-temporary) crush on the gentleman behind the bar who happens to be mixing my cocktail at any given moment.  With a few exceptions, the crushes have lasted only until the end of the evening, but by then I have asked them to marry me, usually more than once.

Part of it is that these guys have mixed a delicious cocktail for me, and my admiration for the cocktail extends to its creator and his talent.  Being an expert is attractive, and while I love cocktails, I am much too lazy to make them at home.  Carie thinks that part of it might be that there’s already a wall between us, so I feel completely safe in flirting inappropriately with them and don’t feel it necessary to construct my usual metaphorical wall.  I think she’s partially right, except that the metaphorical wall is up all the time and doesn’t require reconstruction when I meet someone new.

I had a relationship end recently.  He happens to be a bartender.  Even though it wasn’t serious or meant to be long-term, the end left a bruise.  I’m happy to have a clean slate, but I’m also sadder than I thought I’d be.  My amazing executive coach told me that I should make a list of all the things that I want in a man, just like the list she told me to make of all the things that I want out of a job.  The job list includes details like what I wear every day and what I eat for breakfast – the more accurate and precise you are about what you want, the easier it is to work toward transformation.   

It’s not an easy exercise.  For the last decade, I’ve said I was looking for someone who is smart and funny, can take care of himself, has whimsy in his heart, and is totally into me.  The only change I’ve made in the last couple of years was to change “funny” to “snarky.”  I thought keeping the list short would allow for flexibility and variety.  As the list currently stands, though, it isn’t detailed enough to do the work for transformation.  Given my affinity for bartenders, there’s something wrapped up in there that needs to be taken apart and analyzed, and the relevant parts either integrated onto the list or recognized and overcome.  I don’t know where to start.

Part of it must be because it’s their job to cater to me.  This is strange because I don’t want someone to take care of me or who caves into all my demands.  I’m much too independent for that.  So it’s baffling and embarrassing how irresistible I find it when the response to my question, “Can I have X?” is a matter-of-fact and not flirtatious, “You can have whatever you want.” 

The dream man list is a work in progress.  I’m struggling with the deeper meaning underneath, “You can have whatever you want.”  I need something more concrete than what it is now before I can put it on the list.  The ability and patience and desire to mix cocktails are definitely on there, though.  And when the list is finally done, the transformation happens, and he shows up, watch out.  Our dinner parties are going to be unstoppable.